Control

to direct the behavior of (a person or animal) : to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want

: to have power over (something)

: to direct the actions or function of (something) : to cause (something) to act or function in a certain way

-Merriam-Webster.

The very oxygen that flows through the lungs of an average Nigerian parent is filled with the need to control. They want to decide which subjects you take in sec school and which course you study in University. They adjust their glasses when your friends come to visit and they decide which ones are fit to be your friends and which you must stylishly uproot from your life. The moment this power of control is taken away from them, even in the slightest way possible, they begin to act erratically, like when you pour kérosène on a snake and it begins to wiggle and look for a perfect opportunity to strike, because it feels threatened.

A lot of scenarios can be experienced after a sudden loss of control;

1. The use of force. When they start to give ultimatums ‘do so and so or you seize to be my daughter’. A discussion that would have otherwise been settled over beer becomes a screaming contest. Each party trying to protect their pride and ego.
2. The use of financial factors. Very popular. They tell you they won’t pay your school fees or won’t pay for the summer vacation they promised last year. They call NEPA to disconnect your room from the power supply and cut you off the family’s Wi-Fi.
3. Silence. ‘Daddy/mommy good morning’, no response. They act like you no longer exist. They send your other siblings on errands and ignore you. You begin to doubt your very existence. Everyone starts avoiding you because your parents are not talking to you and they do not want their names to be included in the bad books.
4. Guilt. They play the ‘after everything I’ve done for you and your siblings card’. They bring up gist from 1960 when Nigeria had her independence and talk about how that independence could have affected them, and how they chose to stay together regardless so they could bear you.

The list goes on and on. But I’m not trying to exhaust it. I’m just trying to say that I get the fact that Nigerian parents feel the need to be in control. They love it when every advice they give you comes through so they can tell their friends ‘my daughter is currently heading so and so’. They want to be able to show off with you.

But sometimes you have to kick against that control because this isn’t the 90s. We no longer have disco balls and kalakuta shrine isn’t what it used to be. We need to as calmly as possible tell them why we can’t do what they what us to do and explain to them what we want to do. And when they do not understand, we need to go ahead and do what we feel is best for our careers or our dreams or whatever because we know objectively in our minds that the decision we’ve set out to take is what’s best for us.

I’ve done a million things in the past that my parents were initially mad about that later turned out well. At the end they were super proud. I still have a billion things up my sleeve. Some ended really badly and I got sermons, but I’m glad that I at least tried.

Brethren, you only have one life to live and you’d never know if you never try.