On Introspection
It is easy to lose sight of your journey and how far you’ve come. And so, as a rule of thumb, I recommend introspecting at least once a month.
For about two years I have lived life in piece-meals. I have been too scared to set long-term goals. The girl I was at 20 would be shocked to hear this because at 20, I had a solid 5-year plan.
It took me a lot of effort and Quixote to once again become this intentional person. It took even greater effort to write down these goals and pen down dates for them. Right now, I have a projected age of retirement. I also have a some-what solid two-year plan.
But this piece is not about the future, it is about the past. It’s funny that as humans, who are not Lot, we are often afraid to look back and relive moments from the past. I ask once more, “How can we know how far we have come if we never take some time to look back?”
Today, I remember my first encounter with Development Economics. It was sometime between the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015. I was in third year when we took our first Dev. Econ. class. I loved it because unlike other classes that told us about people who no longer walked the face of the earth, there was this course that taught us about the growth in China and the brilliance of Amartya Sen in Singapore. I was mind-blown.
At this point, econometrics was hot cake and people wey sabi were fast moving into other quant-heavy fields like analytics. The world was moving towards data and companies needed people who could help them get the best from every available data set there was.
In all this, I was in my little corner, deciding that in a world that was full of crazies, I would pitch my tent with the other psychos who believe(d) that they could save the poor through courses like development economics.
Part of who 20-yo me wanted to be was this bada$$ economist who went to a bada$$ school and moved on to work in a bada$$ international NGO. 20yo me also wanted to work for a while in a multinational company before exploring this path towards further education.
Between 2016 and 2020, there have been times when the word ‘drained’ would not provide a sufficient explanation for my feelings. On those occasions, I have felt like someone reached into me, pulled out my soul, put me in a violent washer and left me to dry on a line (while forgetting to peg me and allowing the wind blow me into Eustace’s compound).
For about 2 weeks I’ve been really pensive. I have thought about my journey and how far I have come. I have thought about how uneasy it’s been and about how I always come through for myself (yes, even though I stop A LOT to cry). I have also thought about how I need to do something about my crying face because wazzalldiz.
This acceptance of my growth, both internal and external (especially internal) and my progress and successes is 4 years over due. I have worked super hard for the things that life has given to me and I need to stop telling myself that I don’t deserve the people and things that life has blessed me with. I in fact deserve them.
I always talk about my amazing support system. Friends who have stuck with me over the years, family that allows me to cry (and goes behind my back to cry on my behalf). This beautiful circle that’s so full of joy, love, laughter and support. I would not be the person I am if not for these people. For their love, for their effort, for their kindness.
Also for the first time in my adult life I am excited about my birthday. I have spent years convincing my loved ones that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday because it wasn’t a big deal. But all those years, I lied to them. The truth is that I said those things because I felt I was not enough and I was not doing enough. But who am I kidding?
I am very proud of you Ebele and I love you. Never forget how far you’ve come.
